Anger Burger

When I was a child my dad packed my lunches and every morning asked, “What kind of sandwich would you like?” and for three years straight I answered: “Peanut butter and honey.”

Now, I liked other foods, I really did.  I was a peculiar eater, disgusted by foods generally liked by children (eggs, candy, ketchup) and ravenous for foods children revile (onions, cabbage, sardines).  There’s a theory about Crohn’s that’s been going around for a few years about how early exposure to bacteria commonly found in soil results in lower instances of the disease, a statistic that at least for this single example is totally, utterly wrong; if I were ever missing, my parents need look no further than the garden where I would be hunched over the spring onion beds like some kind of deranged rabbit, stuffing my loam-covered face without bothering to wipe the onions clean of their soil.

Anyway, my most recently obsession reminds me of these memories, and more:

There’s a scene in Hayao Miyazaki’s My Neighbor Totoro where young Mei pulls a freshly picked cucumber¹ from a stream bed where it has been submerged and chilling, biting into it with such a satisfying crunch that each time I crave, desperately crave, a whole cucumber chilled nearly to freezing.  But American cucumbers being what they are, it never tasted (I imagined) nor had the texture of Mei’s.  Until now!

Persian cucumbers are hitting the market with increasing regularity, and while still quite expensive at Ralph’s and other stores, Trader Joe’s has a pound of them for something like $2.29.  Put into the fridge they emerge super-crunchy, goopless and practically animated.

After timidly eating the third one of the day a few days back I was certain my bowels would be gearing to fuck my shit up, but nothing!  Everything is normal!  Whatever it is about raw vegetables my Crohn’s can’t handle is not a problem with Persian cucumbers. I fear I might turn into one of those ladies, where I get a hungry tummy grumble and reach for a cucumber as though it were actual food.  And yet, here I am.

Paired with my Jane’s Salt fixation, I’ve already polished off two pounds this week.  AND.  So far it looks like we aren’t going to have a repeat of the Two Pounds Of Rainier Cherries Episode from a few years back.  Everyone’s happy!  Especially people who use the restroom after me!

¹The internet being what it is I thought I could find a clip of just this scene, but no luck.  Oh well, I guess we’ll all just have to watch the entire thing again.