Anger Burger

Last month I had two impacted wisdom teeth taken out, an event I don’t recommend having done but was nevertheless way less horrific than I psyched myself out for.

The worse part for me was that the nerves along my face were pinched from swelling and trauma, causing my tongue to go numb for about a week.  I could still taste, but I felt like I had the worse case of cotton-mouth this side of the 1960′s.  At first I sipped at water, little sips every few seconds, which worked out well since I needed to be taking in about a kiddie-pool’s worth of water a day.  But by the second day — and there’s no really nice way to put this — my mouth tasted like ass.  And water made it disperse better over my tastebuds.

Worse than ass, actually, my mouth tasted like weeping tooth sockets, a metallic pusy (I SAID PUS-Y) flavor that I couldn’t shake.  In doped-up misery I opened the bottle of Pomegranate Green Tea I picked up from Trader Joe’s, thinking that even though it’d be sweet I could maybe thin it out with a little water.

Except, it turns out it is made out of methadone.  Or maybe Prozac, I don’t know, but I cannot stop drinking it.  To be totally dramatic: it got me through my wisdom tooth extractions.  It turns out it isn’t very sugary at all, and despite its dark color tastes like I wish water actually tasted, clean and almost vegetal.  I don’t necessarily condone that you drink more than a gallon a day like I was, but since it’s sweetened with blend of cane sugar and agave nectar, I figure you’ll die of something else first.