Anger Burger

I’m one of those fun-killing blow-hards that spits at Valentine’s Day, expounding that expressing love for one another should be a daily activity and not one saturated with weird expectations and sub-standard chocolates laden with cheap vegetable fats.  Likewise, I find Thanksgiving to be a particularly ironic holiday; I am lucky to have a family I universally like, but most people I know can only tolerate an hour of their own kin, even lubed up with White Russians.

All Anger Burger family meals tend to turn into little Thanksgivings, and that’s the way we like it.  Getting everyone together for a “little fish dinner” feels so casual at first, but quickly becomes extravagant.  We can’t help it.  My mom, for example, realized she didn’t have prepared tartar sauce, so she quickly made some from scratch.  And it was lovely.  And went marvelously with some fresh, locally made lox and a Ritz cracker.

Some families have alcoholics, my family has fishoholics.  We can’t just sip a beer eat a piece of frozen fish.  We have to get some fresh rock cod and sablefish.  And then we have to make some homemade beer batter and deep fry it until it is crispy on the outside and soft, buttery and so moist on the inside that the batter will get soggy if you wait too long.  This isn’t foodie-ism, this is pure gluttony.

The next day was a long-promised treat with my dad, the consumption of miracle fruit that he missed out on last summer when I did it with the rest of my family.  Miracle fruit is a West African berry of total unremarkableness, other than the fact that for about 20 minutes after chewing one up everything sour tastes like candy.  True!  My dad was game, but it was also the late afternoon and frankly, he didn’t yet comprehend the Super Duper Awesomeness that he was in store for.

Several whole citruses and a few canker sores later, we were still smacking our lips in delight and gluttony.  If you’ve never heard of miracle fruit, read the Wikipedia link up there, it explains it pretty well.  And then, all of you: order some.  We used the tablets and they work just great, though their effect lasts only half as long as eating fresh or frozen fruit.  It’s difficult to describe with enough emphasis, but grapefruits and lemons become the most incredible, unbelievable candy you’ve ever eaten.  My dad went to just taste one or two pieces and like me ended in silence, hunched over the sink while gobbling down whole fruits.  The worst part is the realization that grapefruit will never taste this delicious again.  Unless you eat another miracle fruit.

Homemade Tartar Sauce
homemade tartar sauce really is better than what you can get in a jar.  no food starches, no added sugar, just a piquant mayonnaise-based condiment.

1 C. good mayonnaise (NOT MIRACLE WHIP, FOR FUCK’S SAKE)
4 T. not-sweet pickles (cornichons are best)
2 T. sharp white vinegar
3 T. capers, drained
salt
pepper
fresh or dried dill (optional)

• Put everything in a blender or food processor and blitz until the large pieces are all knocked down, but small chunks remain.  It will appear to be weirdly runny at first, but if you let it set up in the fridge for an hour or two it’ll be more like tartar sauce.

• If you don’t have a blender or food processor, just finely chop everything and add it to the mayo.  Rustic!

• Also: this is really easy to mess with.  Add different herbs, vinegars, spices, pickled jalapenos, roasted bell peppers … as long as there is vinegar and something sort of vaguely pickle-flavored, the result will be tartar sauce.