An Open Letter to Trader Joe’s
Dear Trader Joe’s,
It’s true that we’ve had some beefs. I’ll always wonder why your aisles are so narrow – I know, you claim it’s because you rent the smallest possible stores to keep costs down, but seriously, we know you do it to instill a sense of panic in us. And I ignored for years that you sold trawl-caught fish. And I think it’s vaguely infuriating that you eliminate popular products made by other companies just as soon as you find a supplier who can mimic it under the Trader Joe’s name.
But for the most part, you’re the reason I can afford to eat organic sugar in my tea, and for another weird reason your plain regular soy milk is seriously the best soy milk I’ve ever had. How is it so creamy without the addition of oil? And the Empire chicken? Lord don’t get me started on the Empire “No Really, We Actually Are Number One” chicken. I’m not Jewish, but I’m sure glad those chickens are. Were.
No, what I want to discuss are the solicitors outside.
I know you put up a sign that says that you don’t endorse them, and yes, technically you have no power over what someone is doing on the sidewalk outside your store, but in particular the location on La Brea? What the fuck, you guys? You probably remember me because last year I complained about this creepy, aggressive 20-something man who was shilling products to help save children from cleft palates¹ who kept stepping in front of me and blocking my way into the store? Yeah hi, I’m that lady. The lady who keeps complaining.
It’s getting pretty bad, ya’ll. Yesterday a perky, hyperactive girl shouted at the man in front of me “HI! YOU LOOK FRIENDLY BUT ARE YOU ECO-FRIENDLY!?” A quick glance confirmed my fear: Greenpeace. Oh Greenpeace. Why do you have to embarrass yourself like this? There’s a stream of terrified people entering this store to buy organic products who now probably hate whales. On my way out of the store she caught me: “YOU HAVE TIME TO SHOP, DO YOU HAVE TIME TO SAVE THE EARTH!?” I kept walking without acknowledging her. She shot after me a bitchy “Well, I really hope you have a good day!”
So here’s the thing, TJ’s — I’m a pretty liberal lady. Maybe more mid-states militia Liberal in that I think everyone should do their own thing in the privacy of their own homes without interference from the law, but I still viscerally arch in cat-like rage at the mere sight of Karl Rove. But this passive-aggressive faux-bleeding heart shit has got to stop. You can tell these fuckers to fuck off. I know you can. Ultimately we can share a wink-wink, nudge-nudge over the fact that this is about commerce, not live-and-let-live. Tell the psychos to jet. Please.
Sincerely,
Sunday “Anger Burger” Williams
¹ Which, sad, yes. But on a scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest, how inappropriate is it that I think cleft-palate kids are kind of cute, like little bunny children?
April 10th, 2010 | Drama!
Hmm. I’d give it a 4 on the inappropriate scale, mostly because cleft palate is pretty much devastating. I’m thinking 10 is, like, making Holocaust jokes at a Bar Mitzvah?
Also! I was at Traitor Joes today and bought this edamame hummus and HOLY FLURKING SHNIT it is good. Obviously buying hummus is just sheer laziness, but I have 2 kids and am also lazy. Next time I make hummus I’m using edamame.
do you ever feel like trader joes’ product labels are outright lies? i often feel that way. like, when the peanut butter is purported to contain only peanuts but is SUPER RUNNY LIKE IT IS FULL OF OIL, or like the sea salt that has curious little anti-caking-agent-like-balls-of-non-salt-white-stuff even though the label says, “contains: sea salt.”
who knows.
i fucking love tj’s, though, and the one i go to is sans solicitor douches. those guys just hang out on main pedestrian thoroughfares and they’re easy to dodge in a crowd.
actually having a kid is awesome for dodging those dicks because you can just shrug and walk away while being pulled by your hyperactive toddler down the sidewalk. “sorry dude, my 3 year old does NOT have a minute to save the earth.”
Kate: 4 seems like an appropriate rank of inappropriateness. And edamame hummus! I haven’t seen this! I make hummus at home only about half the time, and I don’t have kids. Well, I have Mike and the dog, which is similar in ways I’m certain you’d argue are not actually similar at all. Still. There’s a lot of good hummus out there, particularly the exotic varieties, that I have no shame in buying pre-made.
Alice: For me it’s TJ’s baked goods that freak me out. They are so bad. I bought their vanilla cupcakes on a whim one day and spit out the bite I took later, it was fucking gross. Their brioche is so dry it’s only good for french toast (which is conveniently all I used it for, so maybe I can’t complain).
Maybe I’ll rent a kid for the next time I go.
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