Anger Burger

Extra Jam and Horror Films

Posted by Sunday on Apr 25, 2010 at 8:36 am

Shopping at discount food stores has it’s ups and downs.  Today I scored several large and fresh packages of PG Tips for $3 each as well as six-packs of my favorite lemonade for $2.  But then there’s this stuff:

DSC_4535

I’m sure this jam is fine.  Even if it’s Extra Jam and has a label that I’m pretty certain was designed to be used for a body paint sexual aid.  Hell, I’ll always wonder if this was the best cherry jam in the world and I was just too conservative¹ to try it.  But probably not.

In totally unrelated news, last night I stuck my head in a small hole in my mom’s deck armed only with a flashlight and my denial that horror movies are real.  I was looking for a rabid raccoon.  I assume it was rabid.  I did it as a favor beings as I am the only one in the house limber enough to squat on the deck and hang my head inside a hole.  The spiders in my hair were free.

Anyway, it was one of a dozen recent reminders of a conversation my friend Leesa and I had about how people in horror movies don’t act like real people.  They do one of two things:

1)  Are incredibly alert, noticing the smallest of creepy sounds.  They will of course investigate this sound.

2)  Are totally not suspicious of creepy sounds at all and act like they just heard a kitten.  They will of course investigate this sound.

In reality, what happens is this: upon hearing creepy sound, you realize you’ve been hearing a creepy sound for a while now but you haven’t been paying attention.  Now totally startled by this creepy sound, you’re aware that you are “in a horror film” and then spend a decent amount of energy trying to convince yourself that horror movies aren’t real.  Once this is complete, you pick up a small, useless “weapon” and attempt to “calmly” determine the source of the noise.  Even if you see something totally terrifying, you will then be satisfied that EVERYTHING IS FINE.   Case in point: the time I saw a man in the woods staring at my mom’s house and convinced myself I imagined it.  Later, when I told my mom I imagined a man standing in the woods staring at her house, she said to me, “Oh no, that’s the guy that lives in the back woods.  He’s always coming up to make sure no one is clearing brush anywhere near his property line.”

!!!

Anyway, the raccoon wasn’t there.  Nothing pulled my head off.  But make no mistake: this is a horror film.

¹ Get it? CONSERVE-ative! HA!

April 25th, 2010 | Food Rant, Totally Unrelated

3 Responses to Extra Jam and Horror Films

  1. Kate says:

    S and I lived in a 100 year-old farmhouse out on Delphi back in the day, semi-BFE farmland, very, very dark outside. One night around 2 a.m. we were both awakened by this noise that was like nothing either of us had ever heard: a loud tweaking, whirring, grinding electronic and completely otherworldly series of noises coming from the kitchen. It sounded exactly what you’d hear when the grays come for you through the kitchen window. We both shot out of bed, stared at each other in “What the fuck is going on!?” horror, and S grabbed a mug (small “weapon”!) and…headed out to investigate. I stood there gnawing on my fist for what felt like forever, until the noise suddenly stopped. After a moment, S came back alive and unassaulted to tell me that it was…an alarm clock in the kitchen that was set to “music”, which was currently tuned in to the local pirate radio station, which was playing some kind of electronic noise garbage in the middle of the night. OH MY FUCK. Also: worst raccoon story ever. Tire. Iron.

  2. Misa says:

    Or the time I was about 8 and saw the big black van (y’know, the kidnapper’s type) outside my house and some stranger coming to knock on our door and look in our living room window when I was home alone waiting for my friend to come over. Yes, I called 9-1-1. Yes, I had the cops drive by. When my friend finally gets over later with her dad…”Were you home earlier? I came by with my uncle in his van, but no one answered…” She still does not know about that to this day..*laughs at my over-active, imaginitive, 8-year-old mind, who’s parents allowed her to watch any horror movie she wanted to* (did I mention I love horror films still LOL).

  3. Nell says:

    We had a raccoon in our yard that was acting weird, wandering around, shaky, green goopy nose and eyes. I thought it was rabies but when it died, the guy who came to take it away said it was probably distemper, which is apparently making the rounds in our neighborhood. Supposedly it’s the most common cause of death among raccoons – every few years it runs through the local raccoon population.

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