Anger Burger

Let’s get off to a new year of Anger Burger by talking about facial moisturizer, shall we?  See you tomorrow, everyone who cares about food and butt diseases.  Everyone else, sit down and listen up.

I have a terrible time with any product for my face.  Just about everything makes me break out.  I tried Aveda.  I tried  Proactiv and got chemical burns all over my face.  I’ve tried heaps of expensive, organic, homeopathic, foreign, space-age facial washes and after 10 years have finally just admitted that Cetaphil is the only thing that does the job.  Stupid, grandma-fragranced Cetaphil.  But it works!  It actually removes waterproof mascara and doesn’t give me Deadly Face Rot Syndrome.

The problem was then moisturizer.  Because while Cetaphil miraculously got my face clean without making me look like a leper, it also dried me out so badly I got face-dandruff.  True!  And gross.  But better than acne.  Coincidentally, my mother is going through having terribly dry skin for the first time in her life and tried some ridiculous hippy moisturizer that I would never in a million years have purchased.  And was basically compelled to call me within minutes and tell me: this is the best moisturizer in the world.

Sure, I said.  And especially when I saw it in the store: oh, for Christ’s sake.  I mean, it comes in what appears to be a toilet paper tube.  It looks like it’s going to smell like patchouli.  And it costs 40-fucking-dollars.  I refused to pay that much for something I didn’t have a chance to try first¹, and instead got a small amount from my mom to try.

And guess what?  It’s the best goddamn moisturizer in the world.

I’m not exaggerating at all: Grateful Body’s Normal Skin Moisturizer is the only moisturizer I’ve used for longer than three days in a row.  In fact, I’ve been using it for four straight months now, every day (sometimes twice a day!) and I have had like maybe literally one zit and I’m pretty sure that was because I ate pizza and a whole bar of Lindt Intense Mint chocolate in one day.  Grateful Body hasn’t given me anything and doesn’t know I’m writing about them, I assure you.  I’m telling you about this because I’m now terrified that the company will go out of business and stop making the stuff, so I need more people to buy from them.

And!  Mike the Viking tried it on his grumpy man-face, and had the exact same experience: used after shaving, his skin was smooth, even and happy whereas it is normally red and furious.  And it smells nice, sort of generically fresh.  Not like hippies.

Alright, I’ll stop now.

¹ I didn’t yet know that they offer a full money-back guarantee on their products — it doesn’t work for you, you send it back.