Anger Burger

Bored?  Me too.

1. Food Service Worker, Evergreen State College cafeteria during the summer English as a Foreign Second Language session – had to draw pictures to explain to Japanese students that “chicken fried steak” was not beef.

2. Easter Bunny, two week job at the mall, possibly worst of entire life – had to spray giant bunny head out with Lysol every day just before inserting my head into it because two other employees had the flu and wouldn’t stop coming into work.  I got sick anyway.  Boss was 40-something year old mother of seven working her first job ever, who treated everyone like shit.  Giant bunny head was so heavy that my shoulders were literally black with bruises.  I was too young to know that minimum wage wasn’t worth it.

3. Youth HIV Educator, trained to draw blood but wasn’t allowed to graduate when they found out I was 17 (I didn’t mean to keep it a secret, I thought they knew).  Taught kids in juvenile hall how to put condoms on.

4. Barista and Baker, small popular cafe.  Formative life experience.

5. Body Piercing Parlor Desk Girl, occasionally terrifying job (disliked co-worker was eventually fired for showing his penis to underage girls in piercing room) that was also a blast.  Brazilian boss was reliable entertainment.  Met my best friend.

6. Baker, started a bakery with my mom and dad.  Easily best job of my life.  I think about it often.

7. Tattoo Parlor Desk Girl, nothing but fun. Everything about this job was pretty much hilarious.

8. Food Service Worker, deli at high-end privately owned grocery store.  Second-worst job of life.  First interviewed to be bakery department manager, was hired and told I might have to do “other work” while they arranged for my position to open.  Put me in deli slicing meat for prissy rich assholes and then covertly gave bakery manager job to someone else for no given reason.  I gave two weeks notice, was later told by manager that he was surprised I “kept my word”.  I angrily asked him what evidence I had given that I was a dishonest person and he answered “Oh none, but no one has never stuck around after giving notice here before.” Was notably treated weirdly after I observed that the store’s only black employee was the one chosen to sample out the deli’s fried chicken to customers.

9. Barista, the usual shit.  Expected to perform like Waldorf-Astoria, treated like McDonalds.

10. Espresso trainer, where I realized I didn’t have what it takes to be a true coffee jock.

11. Travel Writer, for large newspaper.  Really, really high expectations for a job that ended up being like having dental surgery.

13. Book Seller, in between Hollywood and Beverly Hills.  90% hellish, 10% bizarre.  Met over two dozen major celebrities.  Well, maybe a dozen major and another dozen lesser.  Giver or take.

Notable failed job interviews:

1. Data Entry, for the State of Washington,  a coveted “state job”.  Was told in the first interview that the best part of the job was being able to wear sweatpants to work.  During second interview I was asked if I could take a typing test.  I readily consented; I type an average of 80 words per minute.  Then I was informed that I could both not see the keyboard (it was on a sliding keyboard shelf that was slid under the desk), but the computer monitor would be turned off as well.  A “double-blind” test, I was told.  I could also not use the backspace key.  I insisted that this was a joke, and the woman giving the test assured me they were serious.  My resulting test page was gibberish.  My fingers had been lined up one row over too far to the right.  I was later told by a friend who’d had the exact same job that she’d never heard of a “double-blind” typing test and she could barely type when she was hired.

2. Tattoo Desk Girl, at a prestigious Los Angeles tattoo parlor.  Was called back for three interviews.  Was 100% sure I had it in the bag — after all, I’d been a tattoo desk girl for over 5 years and could type over 80 words a minute.  Did not get job.

3. I know there’s more but I’m blanking now.

Fascinating, right?