An Exception to Every Rule
I can’t believe I’ve never told you about this before, but I have a law of universal constant named after me: Sunday’s Law of Unavailability.
I mean, sure, Mike named it that, but it’s a real thing. It goes like this: the moment that I desire something — and the more mundane the item the more unavailable it becomes – it is nowhere to be found. Unfindable. I want black jeans? No one, and I mean no one makes black jeans for under $100. I need some linen fabric? It’s not linen season, tough shit. Pectin? My grocery store only carries bulk boxes of liquid pectin.
I can go on, but I won’t. Because I can scratch one item off the list, and that item is chai.
This right here is my holy grail chai:
I used to love chai, I could and did drink gallons of all that sugary, anemic crap they sold at most espresso shops. Iced or hot, didn’t matter. I liked espresso too, but if I couldn’t take any more of the black gold, I’d switch to that candy-scented teat¹ of chai without missing a beat.
Of course, tastes change. I stopped taking sugar in my coffee a few years back (out of laziness, first, and then out of preference) and more recently I’ve cut back on sugaring my tea as well. Last Thanksgiving I made myself a cup of Oregon Chai after having not had it in years and almost blew it back out all over the kitchen. I used to drink this swill?
Thus I set off on the Great Chai Quest which we can just fast forward through because it sounds boring even to me, and I’m the one on stage here. My mom was sitting in the doctors office reading a magazine, and read about Tipu’s chai, which was described as “peppery” and “intense”. Or something similar enough that she discretely ripped the page out of the magazine and smuggled it home to me. Because my beef with chai was twofold: it was always too sweetly spiced (much too much clove and cinnamon) and too hard to brew (microwaving a cup of bark like three times, then straining it and then adding a spoonful of sugar was more than I was willing to commit).
But here is Tipu, bless him, who makes instant chai. But there’s something funny about it. It’s not like instant coffee where the liquid is already brewed and the resulting product is dried. Tipu’s is just the most finely ground spices and tea that I’ve seen in my life. The second I opened the package I thought with awe and terror, this stuff is going to hurt.
And indeed, my first cup following their directions – 1 teaspoon to each 8oz cup – was so strong that it left my mouth burning for about an hour after drinking it. Not like “Oh I’m a giant baby” burning, but a noticeable, low-grade warmth. Spicy! I was enchanted. And kind of heartburny.
The second time around I remembered that most coffee cups actually hold 6oz of fluid and halved the powdered spices down to a half a teaspoon. Xanadu!
And that, my friends, is the best cup of chai I’ve ever had. Half soy, half water, a single teaspoon of sugar, lots of lingering peppercorn heat, and a sludge of pure evil at the bottom of the cup. It truly makes mornings slightly less horrific.
¹ That reminds me of a story! Many years ago my housemate worked at Starbucks. She wasn’t looking forward to the job, but we were all pleased to see in the following weeks that she not only lost weight, but seemed much peppier than usual. I didn’t notice, at first, that she always came home with the largest size of chai they served. I did start noticing that on her days off, she’d be incredibly irritable and eventually she even started going into work on mornings off to buy a chai. So, that’s weird. And then it came out that the chai had ephedrine in it. HA! Whoops.
i feel like a douche for commenting for the first time in regards to black jeans but… are you still looking? madewell has some skinny ankle black jeans on sale for $59.99 that are pretty good. gap also put out several of their new styles of jeans in black washes, all for under $70, i believe. i hope you find some… and forgive that i commented for the first time on your awesomely hilarious blog about fucking jeans.
I’m totally the Feynman to your Drexler on this matter.
Wait, are you implying that you inspired me to like chai?
Oh yeah, and Heather? I truly laughed out loud, as the kids say, at your comment. This is 100% something I’ve done to other bloggers before. The last one was that after years of reading Midwest Girl, I ended up commenting on her rant about the TV show House Hunters. So, that’s not embarrassing.
And actually! I just got a pair of black “denim” from the Gap and I love them. I’m trying to decide if I want to stock up on a few pairs.
@Sunday – Good lord no, can’t really stand the stuff.
No, I just meant that long ago, in a secret underground thinktank on an unnamed campus, I wore down many a blackboard slaving over
Leesa’s General Theory of Why the Universe Doesn’t Want Me to Have Nice Things.
It remains unsolved.
I have just recently discovered the sweet ambrosia that is Chai tea through a co worker who, in a delusional attempt to gain my friendship, brought me a cup from Starbucks. I don’t drink coffee so I don’t frequent Starbucks but now after sampling this delicious nectar of the Gods I am in love. Or lust. It’s hard to tell with me. I have not gotten up the courage to try to make it at home, don’t want to subject myself to the inevitable disapointment that will follow when I try and it tastes like garbage truck juice.
I am a chai hound too, and have to remember that you said this about chai, and come back to get the name later. I love a spicy chai. In fact, Mr Spot’s Chai House, in Seattle- RIP- home of Morning Glory Chai makes a good spicy chai.
I will definitely order some of this. I only wish there were time before I leave for my desert pilgrimage to order some.
I once had fresh ground chai at our local Buddhist Center. If I wasn’t married, and he wasn’t the hairiest man I have ever met in my life, and I wasn’t standing in a holy place, I might have put the moves on him. It was glorious! But the real reason for my comment is to ask if there is still ephedrine in the Starbucks chai? Because I have my purse in my hand…
Ami: Oh man, garbage truck juice. Is there a word for gagging and laughing at the same time? Or maybe just GLOL?
Amani: FOR TRUTH: I miss Morning Glory chai like the desert misses the rain. Tipu’s is very, very similar, I have no doubt that you’re going to love it when you get a chance to order some.
Megan: Are you kidding? If Starbucks chai still had ephedrine in it I’d be there each morning when they opened. No, they discretely acknowledged (or rather, blamed Tazo)the presence of a Chinese herb in the chai that they didn’t know had ephedrine compounds in it, removed it from the recipe, and then carried on. Bastards.
Buddhist temple chai, eh? Hairy man making it, eh? Where do you live?
I started reading your blog because it’s linked from Terrible/Perfect. I had one of the best lunches of my life at the now defunct Tipu’s Tiger in Missoula, Montana. The lunch was perfect in large part because of the free refills on their excellent, excellent chai. I was so sad to hear that Tipu’s Tiger is no longer open, but am now elated to discover that you can buy their chai online! Thanks for the link- this stuff really is amazing!
This was a hot tip, dude. I ordered it right when I read this post, and I am now at the evil sludge portion of my first cup. Magically delicious!
Also, I just looked at their page on facebook, and they linked this post.
I saw that! I wondered why I was getting hits from Facebook all of a sudden. Each time I read someone’s comment on this post I have to get up and make myself another cup of chai.
Also: I suppose it’s no secret or anything, but Tipu’s contacted me as a result of the post and asked if they could send something my way, so I might (fingers crossed) be able to have a giveaway in the next week or two here. Which would be nice. This is a scenario where I feel like everyone wins.
I immediately searched Chinese herbs with ephedrine and found this juicy sentence “Herbs used to make beverages that contain ephedra have many names such as yellow river, mormon tea, and whorehouse tea.”
I live in Indiana. I’m trying to think of something witty to say about that fact and am coming up short.
Oh, man. I’m going to start doing favorable product reviews. Although my blog exists in a vaccuum, so it probably won’t work.
Also: I will try this “Tipu’s”. San Fransisco Street Bakery makes a nice spicy, barely sweet chai; I wonder what they use.
Hi Brooke,
thanks for your comments about the Tipu’s Tiger the now closed restaurant. I appreciated it as the x-founder of it and if you do not already know we created a little cookbook of recipes from the restaurant…