Anger Burger

Man, that sounds way sadder than I meant for it to.

I remember my mom making these when I was a kid, and I remember thinking that they were fucking impossible.  But, replace “fucking” with whatever powerful adjective I had at my six year-old disposal, which was probably just “super”.  I didn’t learn the f-bomb until I was maybe nine or ten?  And I learned if from my friend Marika.  HI MARIKA!  She’ll probably never read this.  But her sister does.  HI ANNE!

What was I saying?  Checkerboard cookies.  Turns out they are the best of the Fancy Pants cookies because the dough itself is very difficult to screw up.  Now that I’ve said that about it, it’ll probably fail for everyone.  The checkerboard part is also very easy, but the more obsessive-compulsive you are, the more precise the cookies are.

This is a Maida Heatter recipe and to be totally blunt, if you like chocolate, you have to own a copy of her Book of Great Chocolate Desserts.  There is no better book of bottom-line, time-tested, classic chocolate recipes.  The only downside is that her recipe descriptions are like reading an IKEA instruction manual minus the drawings.  She will tell you precisely how to separate your dough into two equal parts in a way that is so strikingly inefficient that you’ll re-read the recipe three times trying to understand what she’s saying.  But she will tell how you to hold the spatula while you are doing it, goddamn it.

The checkerboarding itself is good for a rainy afternoon – it’s the kind of bored play-dough activity that is made especially pleasing by having hot cookies to eat when you’re done.  But making perfect 6″x6″ squares cut into perfect 1/2-inch strips is somewhat maddening, bored or not.

Luckily we’re just making cookies and not rockets.

If the checkerboard part is entirely a turn-off, it’s also easy to make spirals (roll thin sheets of each flavor, lay one on top of the other and roll into a cylinder and then slice) or artistic strata (alternate layers of color just with your fingers, mash everything into a long rectangle and then slice).  The truly ambitious could make some pretty cute panda cookies.

And the taste?  Comfortably unchallenging.  There’s not so much cocoa in the chocolate part to make them chocolate-bombs, and the white part is lightly scented with almond extract.  You’re not making these cookies because you want to taste something exotic — don’t get me wrong, they taste great.  I love them, in fact.  It’s difficult to keep from eating all of them once you’ve started.  But the real reason you make them is because they make your six year-old brain go TOTALLY BONKERS.  Dudes, it’s invisible tea party time.  Except you’re a grown up now and you can have a real tea party.  Put that in your bottle and suck it, six year-olds!

Maida Heatter’s Checkerboards
i’ve totally rewritten Heatter’s instructions and added more salt, but otherwise the recipe is unchanged from her book.  i highly recommend the extra salt – I think it’s what makes these slightly more interesting than just spritz or shortbread cookies.  which are good cookies!  but these can handle the very slight complexity that extra salt adds.

8 oz. (2 sticks) of unsalted butter, softened
1/2 tsp. vanilla
1/4 tsp. almond extract
1/2 cup sugar
3/4 tsp. kosher salt
2 3/4 cups flour
2 Tbsp. baking cocoa (not Dutch process)

1 egg, beaten and set aside for gluing the cookie together with

• In a bowl, beat the butter until smooth and very soft.  Add the sugar, and beat for a few minutes until the butter and sugar has lightened a little.  Add the vanilla and almond extract and mix just until incorporated.  Add the flour and salt and mix until the dough forms into a smooth, dense, play-dough like mass.  If you are using a hand-beater, this may never happen because of the little beaters.  If it seems like it’s taking forever, dump the dough onto a clean work surface and knead by hand until play-dough like.

• Split the dough into two equal parts (either weigh them or do your very best eyeball guess) and mix the cocoa into one of the parts.

• Form each of the flavored doughs into perfect 6″x6″ squares.  I can walk you through doing this exactly, but basically: use a ruler, push out the dough on plastic wrap and don’t be afraid to use your fingers to push everything into shape.  To form really crisp edges, use the flat of the ruler to push up against the sides.  Take your time, the dough can handle a lot of abuse.  Put the first one on a plate and put it in the fridge while you do the second one.

• While the second square refrigerates, cut the first square into perfect 1/2-inch strips, again using the ruler.  You will have exactly 12 strips.  Do the second square.

• To make the checkerboard, alternate strips to use a total of twelve (making a 3×4 stack).  Make a second stack with the remaining twelve.  Or make a giant cube out of 24 strips for all I care — do whatever you want.  But!  Be sure to glue each stick to its neighbor by brushing a little eggwash on.   Carefully wrap your stacks up in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes before slicing.  The dough stacks can also be frozen in this state so that you can theoretically bust out an awesome tea party on short notice.

• Of course the Mad Hatter version of the above is to not measure anything and make it as screwy as you can.  That works too.

• Slice into 1/2-inch thick slices, which will make exactly 12 cookies.  Or, in my case, you’ll get a mysterious 13th cookie.

• Bake at 350° for 15 – 20 minutes, or until the edges are golden.