Anger Burger

And, Begin

Posted by Sunday on Oct 29, 2010 at 5:42 am

My moving day, presented as a bullet list:

  • Donuts.  I only ate two out of a dozen and then got a tummyache.  When did I become such a pussy?  The rest were given to the moving guys.
  • If you’re in the Los Angeles area, I highly recommend the Real Rock ‘n’ Roll Movers.  The whole experience was great and we’ll happily use them again NEVER BECAUSE I’M NEVER MOVING AGAIN.  But if for some reason I need to move a lot of stuff, I’d hire them again.
  • Dewds, we own way too much shit and it’s putting a very slight self-loathing spin on my otherwise joyous moving day.  Two people and a dog (so, three people) shouldn’t fill a large moving truck to the brim.  DUMB.  the worst part is that I kept looking for things to get rid of as we moved, but everything was like, well, what about the apocalypse?  I’m going to want that extra glassware after the apocalypse.  But for reals: all I got rid of was a stack of magazines, an extra (!) tea kettle and a badly chipped vase.  I’m an asshole.
  • Actually no, the worst part is that we need to buy a few things and I seriously cannot stomach the idea of that right now.  For example: we need a vacuum.    And my beloved kitchen worktable is officially too large for the new kitchen, so I’ll have to get a new one.  I can’t roll out pie dough on a tile counter!
  • One of the property managers showed up unannounced during the move and tried to show the apartment, and she knew we were moving that day.  She’s a very nice woman, but that was ill-planned and even the prospective tenant looked uncomfortable and kept apologizing to us.  Like, imagine four sweaty filthy people running in and out of the apartment and trying to get one of 400 bookshelves around the tight hallway corners and the dog was kept corralled in the bathroom, which they of course let out and we had to then calm her down and stick her back into the bathroom so she didn’t get run over by a hand cart of books.
  • But!  At the new house, the new landlord left us a bottle of wine and AVOCADO TREE FOOD!  I was already tired and somewhat emotionally fragile and so I misted up a little.
  • The garage was full of shit we intended to give away or take to the dump, and we did neither so we had to move it all and it made me want to shoot something with a gun.
  • There wasn’t enough room in the car for the food from the fridge, so we decided to go back and get it this weekend.  This decision would haunt me at around 4pm when we were finishing unloading the truck in 83º heat and I told myself that when I was done I could drink that beer in the fridge, and then about 10 minutes before we were done I remembered that the beer was IN A DIFFERENT HOUSE and I nearly cried.
  • I ate Carl’s Jr chicken strips for dinner and was not happy about it.  Actually, I didn’t give a shit.  I needed calories in my intake-hole and I didn’t give a fuck what form they were in.  We only paused during eating to observe that they weren’t very good.
  • You guys: milkshakes.  Don’t forget about milkshakes.  They will make you forget that you left your icy-cold beer in another house.
  • You know what is hilarious?  Two exhausted 30-somethings who take miserable lukewarm showers and grumble about malfunctioning water heaters before they both realize at the same time that the water heater was probably set on standby since no one had been living in the house.  C’MON BRAINMEATS, JUST GET US THROUGH TO BEDTIME.
  • Speaking of brainmeats, after crashing asleep at 10pm, I woke at 2am with a crushing, agonizing, radiating headache that blasted up through my neck and around the sides of my skull as if my head were re-entering the atmosphere backwards.  In a white-hot blur of pain I took some Excedrin and it worked!  I feel better.  Also: that was what, 120+ milligrams of caffeine?  Fuck.
  • So, yeah.  It’s 4:30 in the morning now.
  • Wait no, it was 4:30 when I started, now it’s 5:30.  Holy smokes!  This took me an hour?!
October 29th, 2010 | Totally Unrelated

11 Responses to And, Begin

  1. Carrie Anne says:

    God, do I hate moving.

    But YAY FOR AVOCADO TREE FOOD!

  2. Ami says:

    Moving sucks. I feel your pain. Wouldn’t it be nice to have money enough to afford to pay the moving guys to move the stuff AND pack it all up & put it away? I loathe moving and this would be a dream come true.

  3. Tom says:

    Posted In: Totally Cool

  4. Dana says:

    I’d rather go to the dentist, the gynecologist and my Mom’s house, three days in a row, than move.

  5. My friends 2 yr old son Ari was over today and he asked What’s that? pointing to your totem. I told him That’s Anger Burger. And so he stared at the screen repeating That’s Anger Burger maybe 10 times before concluding: Scary.

  6. halcyon says:

    If you say “that’s AngerBurger” 3 times backward while looking in a mirror, the totem will appear behind you and offer to grant you a wish.

  7. Vita says:

    What a day.
    Dana, your comment made me laugh til it hurt.

    I am SO GLAD your new place is called home now. Your new landlord freaking rocks, wine and avocado tree food? Fuck yeah.
    They sell cold beer at places that aren’t your last apartment, by the way.

  8. Kristina says:

    If I lived in Southern California and I was your friend I’d help you with this, because honestly, there is nothing worse than a move and nothing more virtuous in the world than offering someone to help them move.

    My standard housewarming gift to anyone moving, in my family, is nothing for the new house, and, a three-hour gift certificate to Merry Maids for the “OLD HOUSE.” Take your shit, leave the dirt, let them clean it up so you can get your deposit back, and go stock your new bar fridge.

    I totally feel for you on this, the property manager showing up on moving day is nothing but douche-baggery, and the new landlord sounds like a peach. A peachy relish on home grown avocados.

    Highly recommend that you shove out anything you intended to donate, to your driveway, and post a “free come and get it” post on Craigs List. What you lose by not donating to a charity, you more than make up for in the satisfactory feeling, and its really really satisfying, of watching that stuff disappear in what, maybe an hour tops, from the time of posting? Best haul-away-disposal service ever.

    Oh, btw, I’ve lived in my current place the longest of any place EVER (more than dozen years) because the last move was so horrific. Friends all “busy” — family all far away — husband newly an ex. I paid some movers but did most of the packing and unpacking myself, and deep into the wee hours on the night I was trying to set up a futon to sleep on and I dropped the heavy oak and iron frame onto my toes and broken them. And shredded them. And I was naked. And I was only close enough to the toilet for a water source so I hopped to the toilet and put my foot in it and screamed bloody murder while the water turned red.

    That’s how I met my neighbor, Steve. Who banged on the door at 2:00 am asking “what’s wrong in there, do you need help?!”

    And I was naked.

    So I couldn’t let him in. But he persisted in knocking.

    When I finally got something on and opened the door, he saw the bloody trail to the door and said “Hi. I’m Steve. Can I borrow an egg?”

    I laughed and said “I’m your new neighbor and you’re my new best friend. Please take me to a doctor. Eggs are in the fridge.”

    And I’ve never moved again.

  9. sal says:

    awesome post, yet again… it reminds me of my own moving day nightmares, and i was also comforted to know that i’m not the only one who hangs on to piles of crap “just in case” (of the apocalypse)

  10. Mudd says:

    I would not have helped you move. I would have come and watched, but I don’t fucking move my shit…I am certainly not moving anyone elses…because it sucks. And there is all that shit that didn’t get packed, so now we need a garbage bag…or some stained box…what ever. But on the upside, I will never ask you to help me move. Movers are so much better at it, and I like holding a clipboard and a beer. And if I was there, not helping you move, would there have been cold beer? Fuckin’ A!

  11. julie christie leary says:

    Found you via Posie and now I am a devoted. Also have Crohn’s….which kept me skinny til meds. Now chubby and somewhat happy.Daughter got my suspect genes and now colitis has reared its ugly ass. In fact, going to see her thru another Remicade infusion while she is away at college this week. Fun ! Fun ! Fun !

    I like you and your ranty blog.

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