Anger Burger


Posted by Sunday on Nov 21, 2011 at 10:44 pm

I don’t think I yet made it clear that I’ve moved into my dad’s spare bedroom.  This is a temporary arrangement, and one that I’m deeply grateful to have as an option – I really believed I’d get a royal razzing for moving in with my dad, but every single one of my friends has said a variation of a deeply sincere “Oh, that’s nice.”  The tone is clear: it’s a unquantifiably lucky thing to have nice parents, and especially ones with bedrooms to spare.

Dad, I love you.  You’re the best dad ever.  Everyone agrees.  But THIS FUCKING STOVE IS TESTING MY PATIENCE.

This is the most astonishingly, completely, improbably inefficient and unusable cooktop ever manufactured.  I’d rather be cooking over a dung brazier in a mud hut.  But Sunday, you say, how can it be so terrible?  I’ll tell you dear reader: to begin with, the element takes a very long time to get up to heat, and then continues to ramp up to carbonizing sun-surface temperatures for just a moment before shutting itself off for upwards of two minutes at a time.

To put that in running commentary form: I’ll set the dial to medium heat.  I’ll wait five minutes for the pan to warm.  I’ll set a grilled cheese on the pan, and nothing will happen other than a warm dampness.  Without touching the temperature dial, within a few minutes the sandwich will go from humid and sweaty to suddenly scorched in a matter of seconds, after which the burner will “maintain” the heat by not coming back on for several more minutes.  ENJOY YOUR HALF BURNED, HALF COLD SANDWICH, MORTAL.

For fun, the oven door has a very strong spring on it that requires that I put my knee on the door to keep it open.  While the oven is on.

In conclusion: get a Whirlpool Accubake¹ as soon as you can.

¹ Or as those on the inside call it, Satan’s Anus.

November 21st, 2011 | Drama!

10 Responses to NO

  1. Kavey says:

    Those of us with parents able to help us when we need it, even as adults, are fortunate indeed. In this climate, any friend who gives you a razzing is a dick. :) Now you just need a plan to replace the oven. You should write to the fairy hobmother, still doing the rounds on some blogs…

  2. KevinQ says:

    We have a very similar oven. Not only does it do that with the burners, but it does it with the broiler, too. It will just shut off the coils while you’re trying to broil something, which means that your garlic bread either takes two minutes or ten minutes to brown. Better keep an eye on it!


  3. Kristina says:

    It’s wonderful to move out and be on your own, and wonderful to have hospitable parents when you need to move home because situations and circumstances change and someone needs you. I vote thumbs up on Dad.

    Because I dig you, your husband, your dog and your Dad, I’d also like to vote that when you get the new stove, you also remove the Flame Catcher hanging on the wall by the burners so they don’t run afoul of the carbonizing sun-surface temperatures. Ixnay the Brush Fire!

  4. Jenny Foust says:

    When I found out I was pregnant, my husband was in school 5 days a week, all day. The first thing I thought of was living with my parents for a few months before and after the baby was born. Then I learned that my sister had just moved back in with them. Then I cried.

    Everything turned out fine. But still.

  5. Ha ha ha! My mom had this exact same stove until about 3 months ago. Last Christmas a Sears guy had to come to their house for an emergency fix because the oven door would not stay closed. For a while Mom had been using tape to close it every time she cooked. Thank goodness theyve now replaced it with a gas stove.

  6. Heather R. says:

    I commiserate with you on the stove, I have one that the oven runs cold, but works ok, but the burners, OH THE BURNERS! the two in the back don’t work and one in the front only works on High, the last on, thankfully runs at all levels, but slowly.
    And I am currently living with my Mother in law and though it’s not blissful, I am thankful for it.

  7. Vita says:

    I’m glad you have Quag to help you out. I am terribly sorry about the stove situation- could it be as simple as replacing the thermostat(s)?

    • Sunday says:

      No, apparently it’s just how they’re programmed to work – they “prime” to heat first, where they turn all the way on and then all the way off, then they ramp up to heat by firing 100% off and on until it reaches the desired temperature. Or some bullshit. Anyway: it’s just fuckery. The lesson is to either get regular electric coil burners or get gas installed.

  8. Teresa says:

    You crack me up. Welcome back to the PNW! My daughter just moved to Ohio.. cuz she couldn’t take any more gray and rain. I like the Columbia River Gorge just fine. :-)

  9. Kim says:

    I can’t understand how anyone can cook on an electric stove. Those things be de debbil.

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