Anger Burger

Christmas Deployment: Successful

Posted by Sunday on Dec 26, 2011 at 10:25 pm

I understand that for a lot of you these deer are magical forest ballerinas, but at my mom’s house they are thieving seed ninjas.  She even bought this tall feeder box to keep the deer out, but of course the second after I took this photo that deer stood up on it’s hind legs and started cramming it’s eathole full of seed.

My mom is used to this so she immediately went outside and started hollering at them, which did absolutely nothing and I was left clutching my cell phone wondering if I’d have to call a deer mauling into 911.

But they do this almost every day.  She walks out there and they casually saunter off, and five minutes later they wonder around the other side of the property and show back up at the bird feeder.  Merry Christmas, deer assholes!

My sister brought these and despite knowing we’d regret it we all ate one.

They tasted like you think studies on electronic cigarettes.  Waxy chocolate.  Pure liquid sugar center that instantly chokes you.  Scented blueberry Mr. Sketch marker flavor.  Mmm, tastes like dreary drugstore Christmas.

It’s been six years since I’ve been in Olympia for more than a holiday visit, and the first time in six years that I could hotglue a bunch of shit to packages since I wasn’t shipping the presents in from another state.  God bless hotglue for reals.

Never dismiss the joys of hotgluing stuff to stuff.

This year we cooked absolutely nothing on Christmas day.  We made dips and sliced meats and cheeses and thawed shrimp all on Christmas Eve, and then merely decanted it all to plates for the festivities.  It was plenty of food and no one was trapped in the kitchen making food hot while everyone else enjoyed themselves drinking schnapps and tripping over dogs.

 It only took us nearly four decades as a family to get it sorted out, but we’re on track now.

December 26th, 2011 | Food Rant, Totally Unrelated

6 Responses to Christmas Deployment: Successful

  1. jarvis says:

    I absolutely love the idea of not cooking on Christmas and instead just enjoying the day and the company. This concept is the opposite of how my fam has celebrated for as long as I remember!

  2. Rachael says:

    We did the same munchy-stuff-instead-of-giant-meal situation with my in-laws this year, and it was awesome. So long, two giant meals every holiday. Hello, new tradition.

  3. Kristina says:

    I’m guessing these very assured deer wouldn’t respond to a bamboo deer knocker?

  4. Danabee says:

    Thank you for making me smile. The post-Xmas blues have set in as usual and I’ll take my amusement wherever I can get it.

    Maybe you guys can rig up a simple pulley system for the feeder. You’ll need a tree limb taller than a vertical deer by a foot or so. Should be easy to find in WA. That’ll foil the fuckers. Of course, then you might accidentally create a dining room for squirrels.

    “Bamboo deer knocker”?….

  5. B says:

    Hook an airhorn, boombox, sprinklers, flares or a shit volcano to a motion detector. That’ll teach those deer sum bitch’s.

  6. JackieDee says:

    There was so much to love abut this post. I read half of it aloud to my bf so he could enjoy it. Btw, cutest deer ninja/assholes ever!

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