The best thing that happened on St. Patrick’s Day (other than my friend drunkenly watching Leprechaun 3 and pausing to tell me earnestly “This movie is much more informative than I thought it was going to be!”) was someone hauling out a one pound sack of caffeine and offering me some.
One pound sack of caffeine.
Now, clearly it’s not hard to get caffeine — it’s hard to keep from consuming it, really. But I drink several caffeinated beverages a day, and in anticipation of being even more poor than I am now, I’ve already resigned myself to not buying any more Red Bull. It’s just too expensive, but it’s the only energy drink I like other than coffee.
And coffee, let’s talk about coffee. I am good for one, maybe two cappuccinos in the morning before strange things happen to my Crohn’s butt. Not good things. I love coffee and refuse to give it up, but it’s taken years of self-brainwashing to be happy with merely a single cup in the mornings. Happy in the same way that Oprah claims she’s happy with her body but still brings up dieting in every conversation ever.
But you guys, I’m tired. I’m tired almost always. Solution:
I ordered 250g of pure caffeine off eBay BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS TOTALLY SAFE and it arrived as two 100g packets and one 50g packet, which was not how the package was described or photographed, but it is actually better than a single 250g packet. The 50g packet is going into my emergency/apocalypse bugout bag, the other two packets are going into the kitchen cupboard.
I did some research, and it turns out that bodybuilders¹ use caffeine in big doses and with some good science behind it, one point of which is that it increases blood flow, which is good for muscles. Clearly I do not give a shit about muscles. But the point is this: bulk caffeine is actually easy and safe to acquire, and I probably didn’t need to get it from the internet, I could have gone to a Super Supplements or a Vitamin Shoppe or something. Still, these guys were selling it for a good deal, and were one of the few bulk ones that bragged about being USP, FCC Grade.
Anyway, caffeine! It feels finer than wheat flour, more like talc to the touch. And you mix it into whatever you want, which means of course that I’m putting it in my whiskey.
The order came with this hilarious micro-scoop, but it requires like 10 of these little scoops to equal a Red Bull. I could have earned the $2 needed to buy that Red Bull in the time it took me to carefully measure out a dozen of these scoops.
The thing to do is to order a 1/16 teaspoon, which is the equivalent of about 125mg of caffeine, which is still maybe less than a cup of drip coffee. Mixed with your beverage of choice, you’ve got yourself some frugal wakey-wakey time. I’m trying to find the conversion I read earlier, but it appears that they consider a “dose” to be 250mg, which would mean there were 1,000 doses in this order. And if we’re actually taking half that, then there are 2,000 doses. Two thousand! Wait, is that math right? Who cares, it’s still like a penny a dose. Heart attack party!
¹ I originally mistyped this as ‘babybuilders’ which made me laugh and laugh.March 24th, 2012 | Obsessed, True Story