Anger Burger

My Motherfucking Weeknight Treat

Posted by Sunday on Mar 27, 2012 at 9:49 pm

So, this week The Kitchn has been running a series called “My Weeknight Treat” as a part of their week-long focus on desserts, and I’m afraid I can’t let it slide.  These are the weeknight ‘treats’ showcased so far:

Not even on the same night, mind you.  I mean, come fucking on you guys.  Are you kidding me?  I get the aesthete life thing that everyone is kookookachoo over lately, the single plain flower in a thrifted vase, the appreciation of foods simple and nurturing, blah blah blah.  But do I need a blog post describing the eating of M&Ms as a reward for washing the dishes?  And then!  Following it up with this:

Plus eating a handful as a weeknight treat carries that particular joy of “I’m an adult and I eat candy if I want to.”

You don’t actually understand what being an adult and doing whatever you want means, do you?  Because the ability to eat a tiny portion of M&Ms after dinner and chores is what you are allowed to do as a child.

The oranges and dates makes a little more sense, until you encounter this:

One of my own favorite weeknight treats is a simple one that still feels luxurious and grown-up: A plate of oranges and soft dates.

Again, I’m not sure we’re reading something written by someone with a dictionary; luxurious is not what many Americans would call an orange.  Even if eaten with a date.  And I maybe even, maybe could have let it all slide if not for:

Just one or two dates satisfy my sweet tooth, and followed by a wedge of juicy orange, I’m completely sated after a good meal.

It’s too much.  Gwyneth Paltrow hacked The Kitchn, folks.  For breakfast you’re going to feel totally full after eating half an apple and a cup of straw tea. For lunch you’re going to eat a little bit of mat lint while you’re doing your Pilates floor routine.  For dinner you’re going to wear a half a million dollars worth of diamonds to the Oscars.

You want to see how grown-ups have a luxurious treat?

Mmm, rewarding.  So rewarding, I’m not even going to wash the goddamn dishes.

In fact, let’s just stick with this all week.  I’d throw in some M&Ms too, but I’m not sure it’s safe to drive to the store now.


***UPDATE: Wednesday night’s ‘treat’ is elderflower cordial, which I can’t disagree with.  Though of course I recommend elderflower liquor.

March 27th, 2012 | Drama!, True Story

26 Responses to My Motherfucking Weeknight Treat

  1. Jodi says:

    This is so funny! I reward myself with an M&M after I poop in the toilet.

  2. Rachael says:

    I love that you said that Gwyneth took over the Kitchn, because this is the exact same smug tone I see whenever I check in on GOOP. Ugh.

  3. diane says:

    My treat leans toward a cheese sandwich, a double dose of Xanax, and a partial box of wine. But I think we’re on the same page. I read that post too, and wanted punch her.

    • Sunday says:

      Grilled or cold cheese? Because I think a cold cheese sandwich on very soft, very fresh bread with maybe a little too much mayonnaise can be the definition of awesome.

      • diane says:

        Totally cold on nice bread. The last thing anyone should do is numbly operate an appliance. Next time will try the mayo, but that sounds like an awful lot of work.

  4. Elsa says:

    As a big believer in intuitive eating, I can appreciate that sometimes an orange and some dates or a small pile of M&Ms is what you want, but I too felt like the tone of those entries was a touch ascetic.

    But I also felt like those weeknight-treat grown-ups-eat-sad-things people were nicely balanced out by the responses to this question about what to do with a half-batch of leftover buttercream frosting. The overwhelming answer? Eat it with a spoon.

    • Sunday says:

      I totally get it too, and I wanted to let it slide because I felt like I knew where the author was going with it, but MFK Fisher she is not. I’m finding this a lot in food blogging these days, an affected pomposity that hopes to be read as thoughtfulness. There are nights I have had just a cup of tea after dinner, or craved only a mango. But I think these are the rare moments for most people, and I wish she’d written about them as such. And not used the word ‘treat’. It keeps triggering a Mommy Dearest response in me.

      The buttercream made me laugh. Thank you for pointing that out. I’m all, what is leftover buttercream? I know what ‘buttercream’ means, and I know what ‘leftover’ means, but I do not understand these two words together.

  5. Susan says:

    “Just one or two dates satisfy my sweet tooth…” Yeah, maybe if that date is George Clooney and he brings over some of that chocolate body lube stuff.

  6. Betsy says:

    Dude, true dat. How about these (all of which I have eaten on weeknights at some point over the past month)

    – A homemade blizzard consisting of Trader Joe’s Chocolate Chip Mint Ice Cream, several Jo Jos cookies, and whole milk.

    – Half a bag of Ghirardelli 60% cacao bittersweet chips.

    – A pulled pork quesadilla with barbecue sauce and sour cream.

    Now THAT’s what I call a snack.

  7. jess s says:

    You slamdunked this.

  8. jess s says:

    The fucking comments kill me.

    “I feel the same way about the M&M’s. Something indulgent, childlike, and totally satisfying to my sweet tooth after I’ve settled in for the evening.”

    “Mmm, just last night I finished off dinner with a few Ghiradelli milk chocolate chips. Perfect rich flavor to finish a meal.”

    • Sunday says:

      I can’t. I can’t read them, I’m overwhelmed with a wild rage/sadness wherein I can’t believe that me and my friends are the only people in the world that buy whole dozens of donuts for only one or two people to eat at a time.

    • Kristina says:

      “Mmm, just last night I finished off dinner with a few Ghiradelli milk chocolate chips. Perfect rich flavor to finish a meal.” Those two sounds? The first was me, punching this person in the face, and the second was a skittering sound made by both the chips when they fell on her floor and the toenails of whatever fucking little lap dog she was holding at the time as it now races away in terror.

  9. ger says:

    I had to comment —so funny!

    You know what I think of when I hear oranges and dates are a “treat”? Must be living high in the oldies retirement centre. Either that or there is some kind of colon issue happening where oranges and dates as dessert make perfect sense.


    • Sunday says:

      I have a colon issue and I’m telling you: I’d rather suckle a bottle of chocolate syrup like a bottle than just eat an orange and a date.

  10. Kristina says:

    This is why you’re my preacher. Cuz you PREACH. And make me laugh. You know what my last midnight “sweet snack” was? A damn chocolate chip rice cake, which, because it was too virtuous, I spread with chunky peanut butter and then dunked the wet half into some chocolate milk powder. Screw M&Ms. I don’t eat M&Ms even when they are free or in a bowl. They are inferior and BORING. The dates and the orange would be great — but at 3:00 pm, when I’m at work, while reading my personal email and waiting to go home at 5:00 to eat some dinner.

    • Sunday says:

      Oh my god, stop making me laugh you guys. I seriously love this so much I can’t explain it. And I literally just five minutes ago advised my dad to break open his peanut butter sandwich cookie and sprinkle a LOT of kosher salt flakes on it, which I’m pretty sure is 1,000 times better than an orange.

  11. Danabee says:

    This is totally why I hang out here.

  12. meg says:

    Jesus Christ, I want to kiss you. Thank you for being the voice of unreason. I can’t even remember the last time I had M&Ms. Why? Oh, I forget…because they’re fucking boring as shit. If you’re going to bother eating a teensy bit of candy, why not cut a Snicker’s bar into quarters or save half your Reese’s peanut butter cup for another night when you’re feeling naughty and grown-up? I’ll have another gin and tonic, please.

  13. RaeAnne says:

    Firstly, I wholeheartedly agree that m&m’s are the most boring excuse for chocolate as a treat and are the second last resort when it comes to sweet tooth satisfaction (absolute last being the dollar store chocolate chips I had hoped would be a cheap solution to my chocolates addiction but neither tasted like chocolate nor resembled anything other that Brown bits of sweetened wax- and yes, I have gotten that desperate for something sweet. Don’t judge. ). And secondly, you absolutely are not one of a few who eat a dozen doughnuts to 1 or 2 people. Me and the Mr do this all too often. Which also furthers my belief that if you were ever to move to Alberta (which is a fate I do not wish upon you in the slightest), we would somehow run into one another and become fast friends. (End gush.)

    • Sunday says:

      First of all, I already said that I eat Sixlets, which don’t even contain chocolate, they are palm oil and carob. So if I judge on the chocolate front it is with a heavy measure of pot-calling-kettle-black. But I am certain we’d be buddies, I would even eat a bag of waxy brown wax with you, provided we had enough to drink first.

  14. Kristie says:

    I’m new here, and I already want to make out…

  15. Sharon says:

    I was laughing so hard I had to put my spoonful of buttercream frosting down.

    Hugs and flax seeds,

    Your new fan

  16. Ruby says:

    I came over here from Saveur as part of the voting process. You’re the first of the ‘funny’ blogs to make me laugh out loud. My vote is yours!

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