So, this week The Kitchn has been running a series called “My Weeknight Treat” as a part of their week-long focus on desserts, and I’m afraid I can’t let it slide. These are the weeknight ‘treats’ showcased so far:
Not even on the same night, mind you. I mean, come fucking on you guys. Are you kidding me? I get the aesthete life thing that everyone is kookookachoo over lately, the single plain flower in a thrifted vase, the appreciation of foods simple and nurturing, blah blah blah. But do I need a blog post describing the eating of M&Ms as a reward for washing the dishes? And then! Following it up with this:
Plus eating a handful as a weeknight treat carries that particular joy of “I’m an adult and I eat candy if I want to.”
You don’t actually understand what being an adult and doing whatever you want means, do you? Because the ability to eat a tiny portion of M&Ms after dinner and chores is what you are allowed to do as a child.
The oranges and dates makes a little more sense, until you encounter this:
One of my own favorite weeknight treats is a simple one that still feels luxurious and grown-up: A plate of oranges and soft dates.
Again, I’m not sure we’re reading something written by someone with a dictionary; luxurious is not what many Americans would call an orange. Even if eaten with a date. And I maybe even, maybe could have let it all slide if not for:
Just one or two dates satisfy my sweet tooth, and followed by a wedge of juicy orange, I’m completely sated after a good meal.
It’s too much. Gwyneth Paltrow hacked The Kitchn, folks. For breakfast you’re going to feel totally full after eating half an apple and a cup of straw tea. For lunch you’re going to eat a little bit of mat lint while you’re doing your Pilates floor routine. For dinner you’re going to wear a half a million dollars worth of diamonds to the Oscars.
You want to see how grown-ups have a luxurious treat?
Mmm, rewarding. So rewarding, I’m not even going to wash the goddamn dishes.
In fact, let’s just stick with this all week. I’d throw in some M&Ms too, but I’m not sure it’s safe to drive to the store now.
Drama!, True Story