Anger Burger

In a World Without Pie

Posted by Sunday on Apr 23, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I didn’t get a photo of the man across the street sitting on his porch while wearing a sarong and playing a large wooden flute, and for that I am sorry.  I want you to understand what Olympia is like, and that photo would have nearly summed it up.

Fig Manor is coming along, with some setbacks.  But first, let’s talk about the basement.  Which isn’t really a basement so much as a hole under the house.

That’s pretty much it.  Nothing peculiar has happened down there or anything, if you don’t count the part where the light switch is that blue box there on the right side of the photo, at the bottom of the stairs.  Let’s let that sink in for a moment while you imagine going down in the househole to do your laundry at night.  Getting down to the bottom.  So you can switch the lights on.

The topic of discussion today is that I have not had an oven since we moved in two weeks ago.  Because I am a total fucking moron and didn’t wonder why the range was unplugged, or who had unplugged it, and why they hadn’t plugged it back in again.

Turns out there is an electrical component in the control panel that flashes an error message and SHRIEKS LIKE A BANSHEE EVERY THIRTY SECONDS.  Just to let you know that there is an error.  In a part of the range not in use.  So while the burners still work when lit with a match, the oven portion is controlled entirely by an electric interface, an interface that the landlord has sent off to be repaired with no real way of knowing when it might be fixed.  Two weeks?  Four?  And if you’re helpfully wondering why I didn’t check to ensure it worked before we moved in, I did: I plugged it into the wall socket, checked the burners, and then unplugged it in under 30 seconds, so the error code didn’t have a chance to cycle.  Lesson about being a tenant #1,007,935: check an appliance for longer than 30 seconds.

Still, we have burners and a rice cooker, even though I realized that 90% of my cooking takes place in the oven.  We do not have a microwave, something I’d forgotten since for the last two years we’ve lived places that came with them.  I bought several hippie frozen meals before realizing they take 45 minutes to cook in the toaster oven, by which time I’ve had a few beers and then walked to the burger joint two blocks away.

Say what you want, but Spam pan-fried with a little not-too-sweet homemade teriyaki sauce served with rice and fried runny eggs is sublime.

Mike the Viking has been waging a bloody and disheartening war against the Internet Providers.  We tried DSL and immediately discovered that when the saleswoman assured us that it was perfectly adequate for normal usage, she was being incredibly literal.  It’s adequate.  As in, it works.  Ish.  We went crawling to the evil troll Comcast and begged his mercy, and we have suffered for it.  There have been new wireless routers purchased.  There have been phone calls, for assistance both foreign and domestic.  Mike the Viking used a raised voice to tell someone that Odin would destroy them, and then had to explain who Odin was.  Last night a total system failure resulted in several hours of product assistance calls this morning, which for now has granted us access to the great Net that is Inter, but how long we are blessed here I do not know.

Life!  It just keeps being here.

April 23rd, 2012 | Drama!, Food Rant

12 Responses to In a World Without Pie

  1. Su-Lin says:

    I want that plate of eggs and spam.

  2. meg says:

    After living in the most godforsaken holler in east tennessee for a year and a half, we just–JUST–now were able to get the internet. HughesNet, who likes to screw its users up the tuchus by charging exorbitant amounts for limited downloads and uploads (and $8 a pop to renew your daily allowance) because they can, was never an option because you need a satellite dish and we live, literally, in the crotch of a mountain where no signal dares go.
    But now we have all sorts of ways to waste our time.
    Here’s to finally getting decent internet.

    • Sunday says:

      It’s really infuriated how needful of it I am now. Not having internet is fine, but it feels like camping. Like, oh this is nice for just today right now while we eat our cold cereal dinner by candlelight.

  3. Phil says:

    Hey we just moved, too, and part of the fun was, yes, a visit from Comcast! However, we learned a great deal from the technician this time who was a very nice lady. You could tell that she showed up expecting to be harangued as a pitiless face of Comcast, but we were super nice, and she let her guard down, and started kicking it to us about how to keep Comcast in check. It’s a simple trick: assuming that you signed up for a 6 month deal at $30 or whatever that comes with an internet and phone bundle (example), at the end of the 6 month period, when they jack your bill to the next fucking solar system (most recently we started at 30 and ended at 118!) , you just have to call up and ask them what kind of deals they have going on, and you either upgrade or down grade accordingly. To continue the example above, say, when your six months of internet/phone runs out, you call them, and find out they’re doing a deal for just internet, so you ditch the phone line and lock into another 6 month deal. If you just hold steady with whatever service you originally purchased they will just continue to incessantly raise your rate.

    • Sunday says:

      We tried unsuccessfully to force them to give us a 12 month lock at the low rate instead of 6, and don’t have any other services but the internet, so I’m curious how the threats will go when the time comes. I suspect it’ll be something like that we’ll pay for cable TV also if they keep the rate low.

      • Phil says:

        We were thinking out loud the other day whether they would entertain the idea of just a rate, without any kind of deal whatsoever. It’s like they force you to accept one of the deals, and thus coerce you into accepting their ridiculous fine-print details in tow. BTW, it seems that Comcast tends to relish threats. In the future I plan to opt for a different tact.

  4. Danabee says:

    Househole. Eek. I like how the washer and dryer are all huddled together, skittish and uncertain, looking like they’re about to bolt back up the stairs.

  5. Sarah says:

    Girl, you stay out of that basement. That is a straight up murder basement I am telling you.

  6. Carly says:

    I thought normal(ly lighted) basement laundry was my worst nightmare, but now I see this, and AS IT TURNS OUT… I was wrong. Yikes.

  7. ashley says:

    you should install the clapper down in your house hole

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