Anger Burger

We Couldn’t Help but Notice That You Buy a Lot of Yarn and Tea

Posted by Sunday on Apr 28, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I’d be a terrible review blogger.  I am a terrible review blogger. I used to think I should try and solicit products from companies, that it’d be fun, but I’m reasonably certain that the entire food industry knows better than to let me form a public opinion about anything.

Take for example this packet of Hot Pockets Snackers in Fiesta Nacho Bites flavor, which I purchased from the local Grocery Outlet¹. I was shopping with my pal Fraoigh, and we laughed at how utterly, totally teenage these things are, and since I still don’t have a working oven, they went into my basket.  I paid less than a dollar for them as well, which helps with that decision-making tree.

Perhaps the best part is that they don’t give instructions for heating them unless you have a microwave.  It appears that we have evolved beyond the toaster oven, sort of how a teenage friend of mine said she didn’t understand what the hell the icon for the “save” was supposed to be at the top of a document program, and I had to explain floppy disks to her.  I toasted them at 400° until they spooged their innards ala Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

Anyway, Fiesta Nacho Bites Snackers.  NOT A LOW FAT FOOD.  I stared at this warning on the label for some minutes, exhausted and hungry, before realizing that because the product boasts they are BAKED Not FRIED, the company had to clarify that they didn’t actually mean anything by this at all.  Everything is always so complicated with processed foods.  I’d forgotten that my avoidance of them wasn’t entirely dietary as much as scholarly.

They actually smelled good.  I was starving and alone in the house, so that may have been a factor, but they smelled pleasantly nacho-y, like cheesy and corn tortillas, despite having no corn in them.  Right then the dog told me she had to go outside, where of course it was pouring rain so I had to stand outside with a flashlight getting soaked while she read the Wall Street Journal and took the world’s most leisurely dump.  Upside: the Bites were not nuclear hot by the time I got back to them.

And, no.  They taste like breakfast sausage and fake cheese,  anything “nacho” or “fiesta” totally evaporated.  Literally just breakfast sausage inside.  Not wretched, but off enough to make me wonder if there had been some kind of test-kitchen mix-up back at the food lab.

I guess I’m not a teenager after all.  And then!  Proof arrived:

¹I should note that in the Anger Burger household, we call the Grocery Outlet the “Used Food Store.”  I don’t remember how this started, but I now have to concentrate on using the correct name when speaking about it to other people.

April 28th, 2012 | Food Rant, True Story

11 Responses to We Couldn’t Help but Notice That You Buy a Lot of Yarn and Tea

  1. KevinQ says:

    Wait, is Grocery Outlet the actual name of an actual store?

    That sounds…sketchy? Like the kind of place you’d go to get food “remainders.” Which, of course, is another way of saying “leftovers,” and so now I can totally see how you got to Used Food Store, which, frankly, sounds more appetizing than “Grocery Outlet.”

    K

  2. Kyla says:

    We call our local Grocery Outlet the Gross Out – even though we love it. Love it! Whole Foods junk at Cash n Carry prices with some sketchy expiration dates. It only gets awkward when our kid refers to “Going to the Gross Out” in front of our friends and neighbors.
    PS – Aforementioned kid just looked over my shoulder and said “Ooh, Mean sandwiches!” which is practically Anger Burger. Effective design!

  3. mom says:

    what, no mention of the beautiful leftover food brought back for you to eat? Now you are reduced to eating shitty nacho bites, get a grip foodie, you are loosing your mind.

  4. nova says:

    We have one store called the ‘white trash store’…I like the ‘used food store’ though, that’s hilarious. I might steal it.

    I am always flabbergasted that there are just the microwave instructions on things. Until this Christmas I had been without a microwave for maybe six or seven years…then my boyfriend’s mom decided we could not live without one any longer, hahaha. You should see the foods we try now just for fun. Terrible terrible regrettable foods.

  5. Carolyn says:

    I used to have a store like that- we called it the dented can store.

  6. Sara says:

    An Oly friend of mine used to call the Grocery Outlet the “Gross Me Out-let”. Heh.

  7. Omg, these look disgusting. Haha. Hot pockets are the devil’s work for sure. If they were actually nacho-ey I think they’d be good though :)

  8. Kristina says:

    …and we call ours the Dollar Dumpster.

  9. Little big says:

    Maybe they’d be full of fiesta goodness if they were fried, not baked. Try that next time.

  10. Kate says:

    We also call it “Gross Out” around here, though it’s actually a great store.

    • quagmire says:

      Call it what one wants (all in irreverent fun), we all love it too Kate … and shop there regularly (including Sunday, ha!).

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>