Anger Burger

Welcome to Fig Manor

Posted by Sunday on Apr 14, 2012 at 2:12 pm

There is not enough murder in the world to deal with the emotions produced by moving.  I’ve tried my usual coping mechanisms, but alcohol just makes me sleepy and hungry, and until today I didn’t even know where my toaster was, let alone a plate or fork.  We moved in last Saturday, and then each day I spent 10 hours out of the house at work, came home, unpacked for maybe one hour before becoming magnificently grouchy and delirious, ate either a banana and some crackers or a cold cheese sandwich assembled with a dirty knife, and then passed the fuck out and did it all again the next day.

Friends have asked “Aren’t you excited to be all moved?”  And I have a totally automatic and unintentional facial spasm that I imagine is not unlike what my dog looks like before she throws up a bunch of mucousy grass.

Because right now, this is my new dining room:

It looks like we live in a box fort.  A box fort that we a pay a lot of fucking rent for.  But at least the kitchen is… well, it’s a total disaster.  I can’t even take a photo of the rest of it, it is just too dismal.  Why do I have so much stuff?  I feel like I got rid of so much when we moved out of the Guacamole House, but The fact that I’ve uncovered the 7th large box of just pantry goods pretty much proves me wrong.

We are pros at moving now, but this move we really fucked up on a couple of things.  Because we had friends help instead of hired dudes, we felt pressured to just get the stuff into the house in any way it would fit at all, and didn’t boss them around on breaking things down into room-by-room piles.  We always fix up the bedroom first so there is at least one retreat in the house, but we keep finding more bedroom shit and the whole thing never feels complete.

But you know.  Fuck it.  House.

The goal is to get the kitchen done today (ha! ugh) and then… The rest of everything.  Oooooh, man.


April 14th, 2012 | Totally Unrelated

15 Responses to Welcome to Fig Manor

  1. Jen says:

    Just hittin’ your comment box to say hi. I’m new here (blame Food Junk). Love your site, love your wit, love you’re writing, love your style, empathize your physical plight. Thoroughly looking forward to enjoying the monthly archives.
    Thanks for the chuckles, you’re fuckin’ funny!

    p.s. I noticed in the photo of new kitchen’s sink… the knobs on the cabinets below are set in a bollicking awkward spot. They look nice, but hopefully won’t enrage you, like it did me when I had similarly stupidly located knobs. Bonus hamstring stretching fucking yoga forward bend poses every time I wanted to access the rubbish bin under the sink. Stupid idiot cupboard knobs in stupid idiot locations! Take care, Jen.

    • Sunday says:

      Hi Jen! I’m happy you found me, especially through Food Junk. I figure his reader off-flow must be of the highest quality, so of course I’m pleased.

      Those goddamn cupboards. So, there are a lot of things about the house that are sort of strange, and that I can’t really make fun of them openly because the landlord is the one that renovated the house many years ago, so if there are no locks on the bathroom doors I have to assume his family were just very cool with walking in on each other taking a dump, that kind of thing. But the cabinet knob only 15 inches off the ground? I can’t imagine what made that seem like a good idea at the time.

  2. GG Mora says:

    Ah, but look at the amazing natural light streaming into your kitchen! And…oh what a sweet house (magnolias in bloom? Come ON.).

    But yeah, moving sucks a lot.

    • Sunday says:

      Okay and also: that tree was much more in bloom, but three days after we moved in the landlord heavily trimmed all the trees back, including all the blooms. So it was like, oh, look at this amazing tree TOO LATE, TENANT. I like to use the word “tenant” like an insult now. Do not look upon me, tenant.

  3. Vita says:

    OOH, it’s so cute! I love that window at the peak! A porch! It’s darling, congratulations.

    • Sunday says:

      It is pretty amazing. I remember walking by this house years ago when I lived in an adjacent neighborhood and thinking that the people that lived there were lucky. The world is a strange place.

  4. eileen says:

    Moving does indeed suck as many things as it can possibly get its hands on. HOWEVER. That house looks AWESOME. I love the gigantic kitchen window and the little support beams in the peak of the ceiling.

    • Sunday says:

      The upstairs is sooo boatlike, we love it. The bathroom and shower are hilariously tiny (like, you can’t lift your arms to wash your hair or you crack your elbow on the glass door tiny) but because it feels like a boat bathroom, for some reason it seems totally okay.

  5. Kristina says:

    What a lovely house, I’m so pleased you found something charming. And, there are not enough words to describe the horror at moving, and, you nailed it — the fact you can’t boss friends around vis a vis box placement. You can’t say anything about it without sounding like a complete ass, but trust me, I know. Soon the inside will be as charming as the outside. Well maybe not soon. But eventually. This too shall pass. Oh, and I’m jealous of your porch.

  6. jagosaurus says:

    Ahhhh, what a lovely house, but yeah, moving bites. I’d rather drive upholstery tacks through my gums than move.

  7. Brandy says:

    moving sucks but that house looks amazing. hope you get settled soon so you can destress!

  8. ger says:

    oooh, pretty house!

  9. Kim says:

    Cute house!

  10. little big says:

    I can only imagine what you are experiencing is similar to when we brought Isobel home from the hospital and people were like, “ZOMG AREN’T YOU JUST IN PERFECT HEAVEN NOW?!” and we were like, “Yeah except for the sleep deprivation and all the hard work and the terror of not knowing what we are doing and oh yeah the sleep deprivation and actually we are glad she is here but this transition totally sucks.” kind of way. Or maybe I’m reading too much into this.

  11. meg says:

    Lovely house; Fig Manor promises big angry things.

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