In this strange world, I get emails from PR companies who want to send me free sardines. And I accept, because it’s the morning and I’m tired and also, free sardines. They suggest that maybe Anger Burger wants to try out some of the great recipes that King Oscar has on their website? Sure, whatever. Canned fish. Sounds like something I’d fall for.
After I had my coffee, I went to the King Oscar website and found that there are, in fact, many interesting recipes. Key word: interesting. But still. Avocado bowls with lofoten pâté? What the hell is lofoten pâté? King Oscar isn’t telling, and the internet is suspiciously silent on it as well. But also, a wide variety of salads with fish thrown in for kicks, like the Ko Royal Tuna Salad; walnut, olive and tuna pasta salad? Sure, what the hell.
But when the package arrived, I found my plans had altered, because instead of the variety of stinky tinned delights I’d thought were headed my way, I got three packages of sardines. Two standard, one boneless and skinless (which seems petty, because by the time you eat them they’re basically denuded into fish paste anyway).
Okay, so. Just sardines. And then I saw it.
You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell! Oh shit. Okay. This is what I have to do.
I like sardines. I buy them on occasion, and I’d like the people at King Oscar (and you online blackjack school, I suppose) to know that King Oscar brand sardines are of a very fine quality. I just don’t think you should make sushi out of them. This is also the moment where I realized I’d lost my sushi rolling mat.
Still, I’m not new to the sushi, so off we went. The dog lost her fucking dogmind while I was making the sushi, mostly because she’s allowed to have cooked rice, and secondly because something dead and from the sea was in the kitchen, which is basically dog Christmas.
This is not great sushi. It was okay. Rice and seaweed and cucumber can go a long way toward convincing your brain that it is indeed sushi, but I just couldn’t shake the apocalypse birthday feeling: it’s been so long since anyone had real sushi, that when you bring this out surprise, we found a package of seaweed! no one can remember what real sushi tasted like and when you all eat this everyone gets quiet and teary and can’t swallow because they’re pretty sure this is what sushi used to taste like, but with each chew everyone gets one mental process closer to comprehending that we will never have real sushi again.
First four people who want a coupon for a free King Oscar product let me know, use your real email address in the comments field box that asks for your email, not the actual comment area, I’ll email you and ask you in private where I should mail the coupon to.May 26th, 2012 | Food Rant