Anger Burger

Oh, the things you’ll find in jars

Posted by on Sep 21, 2012 at 10:41 am

We’ve got the red death here at Fig Manor, so there’s not much cooking going on. Unless you count cooking up some sweet meth from single packet of sudafed we were able to acquire after a rigorous homeland security full body cavity incursion. That means I’m mostly down to eating things I can find in jars. That’s not so bad, because we are the Duke and Duchess of Jars.

Incomplete inventory of things you’ll find in jars at Fig Manor:

  • Strawberry Freezer Jam (from our friends in Seattle)
  • Chinese crispy hot oil (exactly the thing for pot stickers- this is what they serve you at the dim sum place, except I’m certain that they buy it by the barrel)
  • Fried Onion in soybean oil (mild pot-sticker sauce)
  • Tung-Chun (Chinese Korean-BBQ sauce) (a dipping sauce with the texture of bbq sauce- would be good on a burger I think)
  • Peanut Butter (with palm oil)
  • Peanut Butter (without palm oil)
  • Hand-picked red huckleberry jam the Captain made (swoon)
  • Veganaise (pronounced “vaj-in-ays”) -surprisingly good mock mayo
  • Takuan- Smelly Fermented Radish Things
  • Kim Chee (several types)
  • Manukka Honey (blueberry)
  • Shrub (?) :a variety of drinking vinegar (home-made by Jes and Krista)
  • Pok-Pok (a drinking vinegar acquired in Portlandia- delicious; some of you are nodding and others of you are having the only sane reaction, which is “vinegar? why on cthulu’s mouldering plaything would anyone use vinegar for anything other than chips?” It doesn’t make sense until you try it, but it’s refreshing. Like lemonade from Planet X.)
  • The captain’s own secret recipe unlabeled terriyaki sauce (I think there might be orange juice in it)*
  • Home-style sweet pickled beets (to be eaten on the side when having quiche)
  • Pickled Jalepenos (obviously)
  • Bubbies (a kind of pickle)
  • Seville Orange Marmalade (untested; my favorite marmalade was the stuff we made from our Kumquat tree at the Guacamole House- Kumulade or Marmaquat (if you’re proper); if you ever get the chance, your life will never be the same.)
  • Strawberry Lavendar Jam (A gift from a friend)
  • Bubbies Horseradish (a kind of horseradish, made by the Bubbies company; our bubbies bring all the boys to the yard)
  • Salted Peanuts of indeterminate origin
  • Tea (black- PG Tips)
  • Tea (Prince something-or-other)
  • Tea (with chunks of some kind of flowers or fruit, I don’t know)
  • Haiga rice (it has germs, but no husks)
  • Paint brushes (not edible)

If you’re thinking of reproducing the fig manor kitchen, you know, for a historical re-enactment or something, you’ll need to give that list to the props department. If they aren’t too busy building an animatronic Tank.


 

*Terriyaki recipe: 1 part soy sauce, 1 part sugar, 1/4 part sake; cook down until thick (the consistency of maple syrup). Make plenty and keep the leftovers in a JAR in the fridge.

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CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

Posted by on Sep 18, 2012 at 4:26 pm

 

*EDIT: I mean, cake! What else do you need to know? 

**EDIT: Fine. This one was prepared by the Captain and she proclaimed it “The perfect Chocky Cake.” That’s high praise from the angriest one. The recipe is from Fine Cooking no. 119 (oct/nov 2012), page 83, (“chocolate-honey ganache layer cake”). Look it up at your library or steal that issue from your foodie friend, who is probably kind of a prick anyway. Screw him. Or her.

*** EDIT: The recipe is notable because it contains COFFEE. As far as I can tell, adding coffee (as a substitute for water) pretty much improves any recipe. Redeye gravy, for instance. She altered the frosting recipe, so you’ll have to ask her about that. I think she made a vanilla-honey frosting instead of the recommended chocolate honey. I’m making a note here: huge success.

****EDIT: Either way, this cake is great. It’s so delicious and moist.

6 Posted in Eatin' Fancy

House of Asian Food Circus Hut

Posted by on Sep 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

If there’s anything good about being a honky, it’s the culture. The remorseless pillaging of other peoples’ culture, I mean. Resistance is futile. You WILL be ASSIMILATED.

Which brings me to Asian Food Circus Hut Street Fair Night at Fig Manor. Here we take the culinary highlights of several dissimilar pacific-rim cultures, stick them in bowls and maow down while listening to Tom Jones. Delightful.

Tonight’s menu: pickled mackerel with fresh shizo, home-made pot stickers, rice with curry (!) furikake (barely visible and mostly eaten in the second picture). Desert? Fresh pear sorbet. I don’t know what Asian country that’s from, but I’m pretty sure we should subjugate it.

 

Look on these eats, ye hungry, and despair.

-MIKE the VIKING

COMING SOON: Jars, and the things in them

 

8 Posted in Food Rant

Jjarlepjnir-Maek, official snack of Ragnorak

Posted by on Sep 6, 2012 at 10:54 am

Greetings, Angry Burgarians, it is I, MIKE the VIKING. Do not be alarmed. Cooperate and your villages and maidens will be mostly spared. Mostly.

Perhaps you are aware that 2012 is the Year of the Jalapeno*? People are becoming more familiar with how to use the blessed things, not just as a way to get back at gringos, but as a kung-fu fightin’ secret flavor agent. The trick is that jalapenos (like most peppers) are fantastic when roasted.

Jalalapeno works best when paired with cheese. This is something of a revelation, since the traditionally  jalapenurous are loth to use cheese. You don’t get cheese on a torta. You don’t get cheese in a bahn mi. But the cheese is such a good flavor carrier- it smoothes out the spicy peaks and really spreads around the jalagoodness. Jalapeno and Pineapple Pizza? Oh yes. Jalapeno Cheeseburger? So angry-making.

Which brings me to my point: Jaeleapeneaou Mac and Cheese. So obvious, and yet, overlooked. How is it that after centuries of Macaroni, we’re only now getting this, mere months from Ragnorak?

Sunday brought this to my attention after a recent Portlandia away trip. She and her boon companions** purchased the Jalamac at  one of Portland’s thousands of Mac n’ Cheese trucks. Now it’s on the menu at Fig Manor, and we couldn’t be happier.

RECIPE TAILORING: JALAPENO MAC

I’m not going to tell you how to make Mac and Cheese, because I really don’t know. There’s probably a video on YouTube about it. I don’t mean to get all Paula Deen on your buns, but this would work with box mac as well as frou-frou mac.

Ingredients:

  • USUAL MAC and CHEESE ingredients;
  • Jar of Pickled Jalapenos;
  • Fresh Jalapenos (If you’re fancy)

Directions:

  1.  Add in a goodly amount of finely diced pickled Jalapenos when you add the cheese (sauce). Mix well.
  2.  Transfer Jalamac to oven-proof pan (pie pan or such).
  3.  Add grated cheese (to taste- my preference is some sharp cheddar and some parm) over top of slurry.
  4.  Distribute sliced (pickled or fresh) Jalapenos in an artistic pattern across the cheese bog.
  5.  Bake at high (375-425 depending on oven) until cheese is well-melted and slightly browned, like the cheese on a pizza, and the jalapenos are toasted or shrively (flavor!).
  6.  Remove from oven and allow sufficient time to cool (optional).
  7. Eat entire pan while you mope about how BRIDE of CHUCKY stole the box office from your crappy self-indulgent guilt-fest (optional).
  8. If you failed at #7, transfer the remants to a refrigerable container and eat at your leisure (microwave for 120-150 seconds).

Enjoy!

*side note: I always want to spell it jalepeno. Also, I am aware that there’s some kind of weird accent marque on it, but I’d sooner be torn apart by frost giants than learn the code for that.

**chicken-fanciers and all-around nice folks, Krista and Jess

Coming up on ANGER BURGER: Oh the Things you’ll find in Jars

6 Posted in Food Rant, Make It So

Broiled Boston with Garden Salad

Posted by on Sep 4, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Greetings from MIKE the VIKING, amidst the smoldering ruins of Apocalympia. I hope your summer has been full of rapings and meatstuffs, or, for the veg amongst you, gropings and bean curds.

We are well. Which is to say, your trusted captain has developed an inordinate fondness for the bicephalic horror of the F-book and the hipstergram. By Odin’s great unwashed eye-socket, it boils my beard. I suffer as you suffer; the postage of the angers used to brighten my days like the light of a thousand burning englishmen.

It can’t be helped. She’s computing through the smart phone these days. And the purpose of a smart phone is to do dumb things faster. Since the BURGER of ANGER is not dumb, the phone is no help.

It is my fondest wish that the great and wise and cantankerous one will once again take up this heavy mantle, but until that day, I will send to you word of our adventures, perhaps of sackings, perhaps of knittings, certainly of tankings, like postcards from the end of the world.

Coming soon: the jaw-moistening legend of Jjarlepjnir-Maek, as told by MIKE the VIKING

 

 

10 Posted in Uncategorized