Anger Burger

• This isn’t so much a pet peeve as a relaxation of a pet peeve: now that Independence Day is over I don’t have to wade through so many stupid strawberry and blueberry recipes.

• On the subject: Wouldn’t all the bloggers and 4th of July bakers just lose their minds if science invented a second blue-tinged fruit?  Only a very few of us could survive the riots.

• This could be just me and just Hollywood, but if you just came from the gym – not just a little yoga sesh, but an actual, purging gym workout – change your damn clothes before you go shopping at the grocery store.  I don’t want to stand next to you anyway, but in a place of food worship?  It’s fucking disgusting that you’re picking out bananas when your shirt is dripping liquid that just excreted from your body.  This reminds me of when I worked at a cafe and a group of cyclists would come in every Sunday morning after having pedaled something like 20 miles, and they’d all peel damp bills from a wad they’d shoved into their spandex and try to hand it to us.  I’m sorry, sweat might be clear, but it’s body juice.  It’s no different than saliva or pee or any of the other fun ones as far as I’m concerned.  Which means that when you’re standing in Trader Joe’s, head-bopping to your iPod tunes while your soaked tank top leaks next to the fresh hummus, all I can see is a giant pile of urine walking around.

• Margarine haters.  Some margarine is terrible, yes, but some of it is pretty good and it actually has benefits not found in butter, such as softness when cold.  Is it a class issue?

• Okay, I’ll admit it: I kind of don’t get BBQ.  I mean, it’s an alternate method of heating food.  I get the outdoors part, but I don’t get the hysteria.  I keep reading this “I can’t wait to BBQ!” or “Thank goodness it’s BBQ season!” and “Please Lord God, let me BBQ today or I will kill a single human being every minute until I can!”   Hey, buddy, take it easy.  Here’s a frying pan and a gas range.  Relax.

“Do these typically drip like this or is this leaking?”

– Woman behind me at grocery checkout holding gallon of milk

• Hippie food with whole flax seeds in it.  The human digestive system cannot break down a flax seed. Think of it as a sleek rock.  It has that much nutritional value.

• There is a popular health-food blogger who seems like a very nice woman but who writes that every single recipe is “kissed” with a flavor.  “Kissed with salt,” or maybe “Kissed with lemon.”  Every time I read her posts I think about how she uses this in her daily life.  “Oof, those antibiotics made me kissed with diarrhea,” or “This internet connection is kissed with failure.”

• Speaking of bloggers, it’s common in the food-blogger community to use the phrase “Need I say more?”  It’ll be a photo of a package of bacon and underneath is “Need I say more?“  Well, yes, you need.  Because what is your fucking point exactly?  I think I’m going to start writing “This tastes good,” under images.  That’s all.

• Now that I mentioned it: bacon.  Bacon tastes good.  LET US ALL NOW MOVE ON.

• The way that some Europeans eat a piece of cheese-toast with a knife and fork.  I find myself offended by the implication that they are so cultured that they need to chip off unwieldy pieces of dry, room-temperature cheese-toast with metal utensils rather than use their fingers.  Like when people eat a sandwich with a knife and fork – why did you have a sandwich in the first place?  Why not order a salad and some bread?

• Recipes utilizing pureed avocado.  Avocado is already smooth and creamy.  I get crushing it up for easy scooping and spreading – for guacamole, for instance – but pureeing?  There’s a reason adults don’t eat pureed bananas: it’s baby food.  Exception: avocado milkshakes.